The Alleppey House Boat Tour (ture)

The Alleppey houseboat experience – gosh….it all started so well, even though it had been one of the things I had been dreading. Boarding our boat two by two- aptly named “Noah”, two girls, two handbags, two rucksacks, we were greeted with 2 roses and 2 coconut drinks…..so far so good. Setting sail we were informed we would shortly be shown our cabin – fortunately this process was somewhat delayed a few hours (fortunately for reasons you will soon read). The backwaters of Alleppey are serene (apart from all the tourists and the houseboats) After Delhi, Mumbai and Goa – it made a real change being somewhere tranquil. Of course the usual tourist traps are placed purposefully along the way. “Madame I think you would like to disembark, I think you would like to row down the narrow canal in a canoe” Of course we would and of course we did, spending more rupees along the way even when there are no shops – a quick coconut , an ice cream along the river banks, or a quick stop at the floating supermarket – it’s all there. The inhabitants of the riverside bathe unreservedly in their separate spaces, some wash pans, some wash clothes, some just sit in water and stare into the sky – how idyllic. I wondered how the postman would ever find anyone. Do they even get post? There’s no house numbers, no names, pure anonymity.
Our first meal consisted of fish complete with tail and spaces where the eyes and mouth had been cut out and even breadcrumbed of a sort. All sorts of interesting looking spicy delights accompanying our fish. Oh how I longed for a simple banana.
We were told if we wanted fish for tea, we would have to buy it from a boat conveniently moored next to us. We declined this delicacy, me rather hoping yet again for a simple banana.
But then the fun really began…….as it became dark and the cook had disappeared into thin air, we were left on board with the deckhand who consistently coughed, spluttered, regurgitated it all over again and again and again and then spat it all out. It became clear that this was an ongoing process and it was never going to cease. He told us where he was going to sleep and as it was where we were sitting, we felt obliged to go into our cabin.
I can only describe this experience as similar to being placed in a stone clay pot and put in a slow cooking oven. The searing heat had us melting within minutes and I was soon drifting off into a daytime/nighttime dream which consisted of being captured by a bunch of cannibals, us already being slightly precooked. However no cannibal would be whooping in delight at the amount of meat on me at the moment or indeed at my fragile state like a half starved pigeon – in fact I would probably be served some rather delicious meals in their camp in order to put me back on the menu….now where was I ? Oh yes in the slow cooking clay pot on the boat. At around 11:30pm when the deckhand had offered his final regurgitations of the day – he then started his nightly volcanic snoring routine – Dani and I squashed into our melting pot with 1000 little fly things for added flavour were becoming slightly delirious at this point.
At around 12:39 what sounded like an army of rats on the roof tapdancing their way through Michael Flatleys river dance – quite literally had us sat upright and going through our extremely limited options
a) die or b) don’t die.
We chose b as I am sat here about 12 hours after the ordeal was over reliving it all over again.
At various stages through the night eg 1:14, 2:05, 2:55, 3:14, 4:02, 4:20, 5:03 and 5:20, the sun finally rose. Oh how I loved that sunrise – even more than I would’ve loved a simple banana for tea. This meant only 3 hours 40 mins more on board.
And we made it – in order to disembark we were parked behind another boat – which meant we had to jump off ours (with luggage) – jump aboard somebody else’s and hope we didn’t get captured and then take our shoes off as it is considered rude to walk through somebody else’s boat with your shoes on. Then just before the final jump onto dry land…we had to put our shoes back on!!!!
After this ordeal we then had to rate the whole experience – our options were, excellent, very good or good – with them peering over our shoulders and not wanting to be dragged back on board – I hastily crossed excellent on all accounts……..and then ran!!!!
Would we do it again?
A daytime trip – wonderful.
A sleepover – two letters, one word = NO!!!